Oameni din Romania
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Romanians are known for their magical ability to defy most of the known laws of physics in activities such as blowing smoke rings, telecommuting, exploding for no apparent reason, and staying up well past their bedtimes.
This is the extent of our knowledge on the secretive and humourless ugly people of Romania, except for the rest of this article, which is mostly true and backed up by many years of black forrest experiments performed on live weasels.
Romania is entirely made of television stars, TVs and chairs. The cars drive themselves to work and back, furnaces burn quietly like humans are working in the factory and the mannequins in cloth shops' windows smile pleasantly.
The last surviving human romanians are scattered around the globe with the purpose of once reinventing Romania after taking it away by force from it's current TV stars rulers, the only inhabitants left.
Andreea Marin is the best dancer in Romania after her gastric bypass surgery. She has competed for her motherland on several occasions at the International Dance Contest Festival of South Carolina. It is rumoured that Sean Connery was the one who taught her the mesmerizing dance moves, but most people consider this to only be hearsay. Nevertheles, one could say she is the Saint Nadia Comaneci of dance, as they were both trained by Cojocea The Fatman, a romanian national hero.
For a vast majority of men her pictures represent the perfect whack-off material, this way bringing honor to the local bear population by 'doing the paw'.
Has been known to be screwing around with former tennis player (nowadays local tarabostes) Ion Tiriac, but is rumoured to be pregant with the child of Elvis nowadays.
Although she has a dispute with Mihaela Radulescu over Banica JR, everybody knows she's an alleged biatch and she married Vadim twice.
Benone Sinulescu (aka Nea Benny)[modificare]
Benone “Baldy” Sinulesco (ex-Sinulescu) and his idiot-band Ro-Mania are a vermin-like phenomenon which takes place currently in Romania. He’s an antediluvian libidinous but friendly freak, who recently has given up in wearing a wig, showing his wonderful sample of alopecia. ???
The only african-romanian tv-star. Very famous, all newspapers are invaded by stories of his romantic/sexual adventures with a very large variety of top-female models and daughters of members of the Parliament. He is best known for starring as a police officer called Balan (Whitey) in a romanian action serial.
Catalin Radu Tanase[modificare]
Also known as Catalin Radu Dezastre (Dezastre means Disasters), C.R. Chirvase, C.R. Ponoase, C.R. Babaroase, Catalin Teatru Tanase, C.R. Miroase, Catalin Calul lui Tase C.R.T. is a notorious ProTV anchor who appears wherever an accident of any sort happens. He is known to be able to teleport himself and to be in many places at the same time. There is no accident that escapes C.R.T.'s vigilent eye. He is believed to have developed a special sense for detecting disasters before they happen, so he can be the first at the scene. He has a generic speach that he repeats over and over again with his eyes fixed, knowing that nobody listens anyway, and to get people's attention he, from time to time, emphasizes on strong words such as "massacre", "genocide", "carnage", "blood", "disaster", "ultra-violence", etc. Catalin Radu Dezastre's lifetime dream is to be the reporter on the scene of his own death. He is also the only known man that doesn't use the "dot" sign in a phrase. All his interview is a huge ~345 sentance phrase, which flows continously for about cca. 15 minutes. His speech flow in this regard is flawless, C.R.T. being able to find extensions and subordonate sentances to each word he is pronouncing. In oposition to the "special sense" theory - that claims he is able to detect disasters before they happen - some believe that C.R.T is actually the cause of these disasters. Think about it when was the last time you saw a disaster without the C.R.T being there? Well the truth is: He's actually the right-hand man of the ProTv. The C.R.T (Crime Rape Terror) has the sole purpose of getting high ratings for the five'o'clock news by any means necessary. Thus, he is responsible for the following: the rape of 385 old women (ages 70-86), the spreading of poverty, the 2005 floods, the invention of LoveMetal, George Bush, Hiroshima, and the death of legendary peasant Mos Ion Roata (Old Man Ion aka "The wheel"- who funded the cuban revolution).
Traian Basescu is a former president of Romania. He was a very well known singer prior to becoming the president. He sang everyday at the Golden Şlitz restaurant in Bucharest. He also seems to enjoy the company of men rather than women. Rumours say he was engaged with Teodor Stolojan until they broke up and Traian started crying in late 2004. After that, Base had many sexual relationships with Cojocea The Fatman, until Cojocea left him. The president never recovered from the shock, and hired hundreds of bounty hunters to kill The Fatman, but he dissapeared into Casa Poporului's basements and nobody heard of him again.
Chipicao is a very interesting figure in Romania. His name comes from his similarity with the familiar mascot Chipicao used for the croissants with the same name. Born just 8 days before the Chernobyl disaster, it can't be said if this affected him much, even though people often call him crazy, insane or insane crazy!
His hobbies are: making fun of his friends, playing basketball, going to the beach (sometimes he deliberately forgets to take his friends with him), surfing (Internet), music, movies, or just fucking around, doin' nothing (http://www.mintrubbing.org).
He is a mean character, rarely forgiving (if you fuck up or say something stupid, he will definitely slap you), and very vengeful. Some call him The Terminator due to his violent behaviour.
Besides all of this, he is a very nice person, but only if you are also nice to him.
The half-breed sex addicted, with big breasts, manele and other unknown genres singer that calls herself Daniel-coada-de-maimutza ([email protected]). People just call her Beorfy or Shtörfy (coming from romanian 'boarfa' respectively 'shtoarfa'). A big and old sexsymbol that is never satisfied with her breast size (only her big nipples seem to always be the same size), Daniela never acknowledged her status as a decent TV whore, but her desperate war to gain publicity by showing everything on live TV (even her bare pussy) gave her away as the whore queen of Romanian television. Having all of these so called breast-augmentating operations also raised up rumors that she might be a he, but besides her restless sex life, nothing has been proven.
Daniela has had so many nude in public appearances that no one was interested in her latest scandal when she was caught on tape blowing some dude and taking it from behind.
She has an online contest on her official website, the loser being entitled to a whole month of wild animalic 24-7 sex with her. What a Bitch.
Probably Romania's most prominent poet. Lived in the late romantic period till late 19th century. Misunderstood Genius he is called by many critics. He wrote on the themes of the genius in the society, about love and about writing and the writer in the society. He's one of the brilliant minds of Romania's history. His "only" pussy was Veronica Micle. it is said that he was also a loony(?)- please read a poem before you decide- these are not funny but gorgeouse. He was closed in an assylum before his death. Being a great poet, a lot of streets, parks and institutions bare his name. Besides his wonderfull poems he wrote also a lot of essays which were forbidden by the comunist regime, although he wrote them 50 to 80 years before. They were considered dangerous as he was trying to teach people how not let them be fooled by corrupted politicians, animalic "businessmen", impostors. Eminescu is also known for being a very close friend to Hitler and Himmler. Many people even consider that Eminescu was the actual mastermind behind World War II and he is currently instrumenting World War III and perhaps IV. The rumors of his death are in fact lies spread by undead politicians with chicken pocks who tire in their confy chairs, jacking off as they read his poems. The criminal intentions of teaching young people of his many deranged works is a politic instrumentation with the clear motivation of creating an invincible army of children armed with bad breath and bazookas. Eminescu was also known for his great love of very young girls, especially young monkey females. Thus, the assumtion that Micle was his only "pussy" is quite false but, you know, apperances must be saved as far as this great politic man is concerned. The words "Hail Satan!" are a lait-motif in his many works.
John Dolanescu (his real name being Ion Dolanescu) is a quite known peasant singer, who's actually more famous due to his jealousy on Marin Cornea and Benone Sinulescu, the reason for this jealousy being their beautiful wigs, wigs which are sexier than his own hand-made wig of imported Yak hair, which is making it more smooth and velvety. His friend, the also-wigged Ion Laceanu said once about him "Hihihihi, yesss !", followed by a more descriptive "Cine nu stie pe Dolanescu, nu stie patria noastra, nu stie istorie !".
Update: the expression means "Who isn't familiar with Dolanescu isn't familiar with either our land or our history!"
The English translation of his last saying is missing(see Update) because anyway, no matter what Laceanu is saying, Dolanescu remains a wonderful uhh.... singer, until he will hopefully die, making us kind of sad, kind of happy.
Cristi Leonidas Borcea[modificare]
The history doesn`t mention to many things about this hero of romanians, but the legend says that he lead his brave warriors on the Champions league's military campaign. He succeded conquering many European strongholds(Barcelona, Real Madrid, Manchester and PSV had to pay him big taxes). Leading a group of 12(due to the low budget he was forced to pick only 12 from his 300) ferocious as the red dogs, he actually put Romania on map. For more then 25 years he made romanians proud, by wining al the champions league trophies on each spring.
Unfortunatly, after visiting the natal places of his hero Stefan the Great, his troops were defeated near Suceava on Falticeni's caves. A bloodthirty ferocious brute called Robert Nita von Foresta had caused him big casualties.
GIGI, aka "Becali din Pipera", a natural born sheepherder, has grown on the outskirts of Bucharest in a small community of apes (Pipera) where the men are men and the sheep are scared. He was raised by a couple of irascible wolves which made him a very strong and heavily cultural man. Thus, the first three letters of the alphabet are no longer mystery to him! He has little to say but when he says it.... he repeats the same words 2-3 times so it appears that he has said a lot. "Bah-bah-bah bah, baiatule!" is his most common expression which means "Good morning and nice to meet you!". He likes to brag a lot and usually does this off the top of his car (a Maybach - obviously, also called by his animal family a "OayBach", translated for Jiji, a "SheepBach"). Jiji hates television. He hates television when he is not on. Therefore he recently has bought Dan Diaconescu Direct - an ever uprising promise of TV talent.
He is also known for his bravery as he is called The Warrior Of Light (Razboinicul Luminii) although we know too little of his big victories. We do know that his right arm and the one in touch with his "pula" (his money, of course), someone called MM (short for "Mortii matii" which is a known incantation for releasing pure evil) said that Jiji might be Robin Hood reincarnated, thus explaining his exceptional care for the poor and for sheep, also explaining his hatred for the richer, smarter and the more cunning people than him. Archeologists have found a spear that Jiji used to straighten the front fender of his Maybach when his exquisite driving skills let him down and Dan Voiculescu, his girlfriend, loves to watch. We know that at the age of 12 he became the first man that can milk a goat in under 12 seconds and the goat doesn't mind. That was just the begining. After that followed a long line of records: first man ever to screw the entire Romanian army in real-estates; first man to have sold a single square meter of land for the price of 100; first man to get Basescu dead drunk and promised clemency regarding his fiscal crimes;
To be noted, his greatest record in life was being the most idiot person in Romania who payed the government a $15 million debt with a desk and a broken computer.
An everliving legend, a true hero of the Romanian nation, a healer by definition, Jiji's most outstanding qualities recommend him for.... well... nothing....
From 2007 Gigi learn a new phrase : Bah Hahalelelor care sunteti Hahalere, bai zdrentzelor care sunteti zdrentze, bai comunistilor care sunteti comunisti which means very stupid people.
There are rumours that Berbecali is involved in a deep conflict with Corneliu Vadim Tudor (also known as the jew's best friend) reguarding some teritory inside the Dracula Park (that has never been built) and this is the actual reason for always being so stressed when(no, really... when?) we see him on TV.
Mookie aka Wakah aka Ghepardu' aka Fluffy
Manea is a very brave and very dead ancient Romanian hero who liked to listen to manele on headphones and is believed that his ghost is still haunting the "discoteci" (sad places were sad stupid romanians gather to give a pow) all across Romania.
Marie Alexandra Victoria Foster Kane was apparently a famous Romanian, because there's a famous poem about her.
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
It's by Dorothy Parker. I don't know anything else.
Marin Cornea. The name says it all. The romanians call him also "Bourul Cantator" (translation: The Singing Ox). His famous songs "Mama, tata, te mai iarta" or "Hai la hanu lu Nea' Marin" (God only knows how you can translate this ancient Rumanian language into English) are listened to in awe by tens (or even less) of brain-dead Rumanians. His biggest enemy is the almost unknown minstrel John Dolanescu (Note: John Dolanescu is not dead yet, despite looking like it!). They had a lot of fights, backstage and even on stage.
Recently Marin "Bourul" Cornea has founded a new revolutionary band, called "Etno Dance Cornea", which takes a different approach to "tzaranesc" music. Even Marioara Murarescu said about this band that "Fuck, they really do suck !", meaning that they are really something new on the market.
In the past, he was allegedly accused for raping the notorious bald balladeer Benone Sinulescu, but no proof was found in Benone.
This old, fat, but good-looking country lady, having a well known dirty diaper sniffing fetish, is Romania's traditional music guru. She's also famous for urinating on the crowds during the Marin Cornea, John Dolanescu or Benone Sinulescu shows.
The experts have agreed in a mutual consent that she lives in an imaginary world, in a world in which "tzaranii" are wearing tight white underwear and they are friendly, exactly opposite to the real world.
The cleaning ladies representative. She wears black tights, and she listens to manea. She eats salami and bread with Sana, although onions is her all time favourite, being unable to afford cheese.She is also known for her 7 star hotel in Costinesti, an exclusivist resort on the Romanian Riviera.
Known for her voluptuous figure, is one of the most active sustainers of manele. She doesn't hesitate to invite in her show prestigious figures of manele, which pay for being there some money made from pickpocketing, selling stolen phones and other so-called "tzepe" (frauds). To attract a certain segment of desperate people, she uses Nicoleta a.k.a. "Huge Tits" Luciu, another representative of the tzigani, whom she exposes every time she lacks audience. Another half woman-half kitchen robot is Tantza, a failed actrice, who has a telenovelistic figure of a woman between ages and who lacks basic culture. The idea of Teo is the next one: it doesn't matter who appears in her show, the money should appear.Yeaaaa !!
Marean van Ghelle "which is"(i.e:"care este")[modificare]
This sooted Eminescu of Bucharest is well known throughout the country as being the mayor of the 5th sector of the capital...just kidding...actually he is known for his disputable control of the Romanian language. As if it weren't enough that he abusively uses "care este"(i.e.:"which is") in every phraze his 2 shortcircuited neurons can produce, he also made a fool of himself..wait, a bigger fool of himself on a national TV show, where he couldn't conjugate the verb "to be". He "are" an influential figure, "which is" a respected addition to the Romanian wall of "lack of school" shame. Just read some almanahe, for God sake!
The real name of Lord "Care este" is Mariean Economat Vanghelie. His well-known middle name "Economat" comes from a line of "government founded" cheap food stores designed and managed by himself "pe persoana fizica" wich means "on a fizical person". The well known phrase was first said bay Vanghelie at a fizicist meeding in Absurdistan where he demonstrated that e=mc^2 does not mean energy(e) equals mass(m) times the square of light speed(c), instead it means that energy equals "mana" (hand) times it's own speed. Through this he also demonstrates the "Şparleală" and "Mânăreală" theories. We currently wait for him to further develop the "Manareala Theory" and we have great hopes for that by knowing that he recently finished third grade(now he is in HighSchool(40 year old) : this is real).
He is also known for the faboulous parties thrown every New Year, called Vanghelioane, wich are very popular among old people (pensionari).
Saint Nadia is the patron saint of Gymnastics. Sometimes referred to as Nadia "cu mâneci". She's a mature lady now and she's getting older and older every year. Her exact birth date is unknown but she is reputed to have been born on the 10th of October, 1010. Onesti, was her hometown. She is the only living person ever to be beautified. Nadia was fully canonized in 1976, the year that Her immense Holiness was first witnessed by the entire world. In the night of November 1989, she had a vision that the fall of Communism would come soon. She fled Romania, looking for a safe Communist country; one that will have a reduced number of parties, with a secret police secretly taping or kidnapping people, where chemicals will still make a base for her daily hamburger. Luckily, she got an American citizenship. While visiting Montreal, Canada you can go and pray to her Holiness' picture and admire her signature on the sacred ground of the stadium (which now costs 10$ a visit). She is currently married with a man (who is guarded by ten gorillas at all times) who has needles instead of eyes, as he can not see that much of her holy saint-like figure every day. Every day pilgrims gather around her million dollar mansion hoping to catch a glimpse of Virgin Mary's competitor. Of course everything has a price - if you visit her home, don't forget to spend at least 100$ dollars in her gift shop. Your entire family will be safe from of all harms(including your neighbour's grudge) until your next visit(please bring gold, not money).
„I am a HOOK(er) therefore I am.”
~ Cioaba către Cioaba
„He fucked me once...and I had three orgasms.”
~ Oscar Wilde către Cioaba
„Shiver me timbers.”
~ The drunk one-eyed pirate către Cioaba
„Bip beeep bip beep 01010100101.”
~ C3P0 către Cioaba
„A true hero, an inspiration to all of us, Cioaba remains in the heart of every human being.”
~ Kofi Annan către Cioaba
„OMG he really is God.”
~ Pope Benedict the XVI către Cioaba
„Groovy baby, rrrrrroar.”
~ Austin Powers către Cioaba
„ Eu sunt unul numai unul, nu se poate nu se poate doi pe locul unu.”
~ Nicolae Guta către Cioaba
The birth of Cioaba[modificare]
There are many legends regarding the birth of Cioaba. Some say that he was created by the Gods as the perfect creature, that can bring balance between good and evil. Other sources infirm however this legend, stating that he is the unfortunate mistake between a shepherd and a sixty year old lady of questionable ethics.
Cioaba and the creation of the universe[modificare]
One day Cioaba went to a contest of eating dry prunes. As we all expected, he won first, second and third prize, but he got a sore tommy, which resulted in a fart - fact known to some of you as the Big Bang, this creating the universe.
Cummon Features of Cioaba[modificare]
- Cioaba has many names because he was born and reborn many times. You might hear people call him: The One, The Holy graal,The Hook, The NETSPLITTER (recently),The Water Divider (despartitorul de ape), The lonely wolf, The Last Samurai, Cioby, mariuse, but we like to call him the MAESTRO
- He uses the " dâhãhâ " to capture potential mates to increase the number of his kind
- His captivating facial hair is being harvested to grow weapons-grade plutonium in Iraq
- His little Csabbas (zits) are mutating and forming a powerful network on his face
- He is very serious and always seems superior, infact he is of a superrio race, arian.
- The picture that you see is just his terran form, actualy he is an angel, perfect being
- It is said that he is linked to the "Gruja" a hungarian terrorist group seeking to obtain the city of Bucharest
- His interesting neck line and his extremly mobile body resemble him to a snake, making us believe he was created be Quatzecoatl himself along with other Gods like Zeus, Thor, Ra, Mickey Mouse, Anubis, Santa Clause, Ares and why not Mr. Bean
Benefits of Cioaba[modificare]
- Buy Cioaba from your local groceries store and you will recieve a free seat behind the IRON CURTAIN!!! (Terms apply, for further information call us at 8989989 and recieve your Cioaba VIP CARD)
- Cioaba cures fungus infestations, fights against bacteria, provides methane gas, he is the energy providing our future
- If in trouble remember: Only stupid people dial 911/112! CALL Cioaba he is our on-duty superhero! (pls no calls after 11pm and at lunch time! He is a superhero in training and needs his beautysleep)
Cioaba in the World Book of Records[modificare]
- Cioaba holds the world record in drinking pee. He has broken his own record thirteen times, the last time drinking a total of 3 barrels of urine cocktails in one huge sip. He also holds a record in breaking the records of drinking pee.
The therm of "obsexual" come from the union of the latin word "obsedatus" with the greek word "sexualus", and it is suppose to describe 98,6% of the men in Romania.
Unlike metrosexuals or heteropolitans, the obsexuals (aka jalnicieni) are guided by stronger beliefs in some higher powers, such as "nesimtire", "disperare" and "jalnicie" - which in english would be something like "show no respect, f*ck all the women alive, be as lame as possible".
The main rule of the obsexuals culture is that in no circumstances, not even threaten with death, will they show respect for any women what so ever!
In this culture, the woman is just an object of pleasure and necessity, and must be treated as so.
But, even if they are only objects, each and single one of them are very apreciated, as long as they have legs, breasts and asses. And they usually do. That is why an obsexual will not care how smart, sensitive or sweet a woman is, as long as she has a short dress or a tight blouse. If the blouse is wet, that is even better for them.
To show their "disperare" (lame necessity) when it comes to women, the obsexuals often turn to their friends for help... "imi bag p**a in tine" (i desperatly want to have sex with you) it is a great thing to say to another man, for he will apreciate that you feel atracted to him, and that his hot body makes you horny.
An obsexual would have sex with anyone, so the mothers of their friends can be happy now... just wait until you hear "s-o f*t pe ma-ta" (i really want to show my respect to your mother), and you can bring the condoms, some lubricant gel and the party is on...
You cannot be a real obsexual if you don't walk on the streets holding your girlfriend's hand, without turning your head for other girls, and making smart and brave remarks such as "ce cur misto avea aia" (that girl's ass is not as pretty as yours).
You need to have as many objects (girls) in your sex life, so be sure to go to the gym and wear tight clothes, to use a lot of gel in your hair and listen to really smart music, like manele. Washing is not so important, just don't forget the condoms, as the girls will drop dead when they'll see you...