What I Didn't Know about Romania
Note to readers
"On behalf of the author(s) who wrote these things, I apologise... They want to burn in hell... Please remember that this article is somehow supposed to be Funny (it just ended up being a bad joke) Yeah and I`m sure the one who wrote that last bit has a lot to be proud of. Like his intelect for example... i think it`s high... higher than a piece of gum stuck to my shoe at least, and lower than a dog`s brain who`s only interest in a day is liking his behind or valuables... and dreaming about what he did the rest of the day. P.S. Real sporty of u for deleting my message."
This is a typical message delivered to you by the Online Holy Communist army of Romania. They are a highly organised cult that operates online, and consider themselves to be the True Guardians of Romanian Culture. Their job is to scan the Internet via their brain testicles and eliminate any information that they perceive as insulting for the Great Holy National Socialist Party of Romania, to whom they are affiliated. They usually run in packs of four (patrule), packs of three (triule), or, like above, packs of one (pule).
The Online Holy Communist army of Romania begun in 1945. Since then it has been recruiting simple people from the country side, fed them with patriotic stories, and let them loose in the streets (now on the internet). A classical example is Corneliu Vadim Tudor (which the Online Holy Communist army of Romania considers to be the one true God).
“The Floods” are Romanian national holydays. They are celebrated every year, sometimes several times per year.
The Floods represent the close relationship between humans and nature (no, it doesn’t mean that they are human nature itself). The Floods happen in other countries, but only in Romania they are celebrated so grimly and with so much showiness that they recently become national holydays. The people of Romania are very proud of these floods, that recently the government has created a pressure group in the European Union forums to buy the patent on The Floods so that, if others countries want to have Floods, they must pay an enormous amount of money to romanian people.
The Floods are maintained by “shpaga” (bribe), corruption, propaganda and popular vote (Romania is a democracy, isn’t it?). The mechanism is the following: a local governor takes “shpaga” from a company (more often the company belongs to the Minister of Environment or his wife); the company ensures the corrupted governor that he will make the improvements of the beds of the rivers “de mantuiala” so that “The Floods” take place at least one year. Are you still following? During “The Floods” the Prime Minister appear on TV wearing rubber-boots and impressing the people. At the elections the people vote for him and this way the local governor and the minister are kept in function to prepare next year “Floods”. Simple and efficient!!!
During “the Floods” all social and professional categories in Romania are participating
1) The country-people. They are the “stars” of all these days because they directly participate in the “actions”. The younger-ones flee from the water as fast as they can, leaving their parents with their animals behind. The 30-50 years old people untie the cattle, the horses and the dogs and then they flee too. The elder ones, if they are not fast enough to catch a horse or a cow, they ascend on the roofs, waiting for the wave to come. The oldest of the oldest remain in their homes waiting for the waters and politicians to come and wash their brains. There is a special category of country people, the enterprising-ones, who "ciordesc" (see "Ciordeala") the goods of the ones who fled.
2) The urban-people. They are the passive-aggressive category. They stay in homes and watch TV. “The Floods” are transmitted live by Catalin Radu Tanase (a.k.a. Dezastre). The most of them spend the 10-15 minutes after the transmission cursing the authorities because they cannot participate directly to the events. Sometimes some of the local governors take “shpaga” (bribe) from certain companies closely related to PSD (Social Democrat Party), giving them in return the honor to prepare the field and the rivers for next year Floods, so that the cities too can enjoy The Floods.
3) Mass-Media. Mass-Media in Romania takes the opportunity to earn some money by improving the audience. They send Catalin Radu Tanase to the place of action, he takes the scuba-diving suit and a gun (just in case) and makes live transmissions on TV. He likes to stay half-submerged while broadcasting. The public in Romania can hardly wait for a volcano eruption.
4) Politicians. The politicians are the other active category in “The Floods”, but they are more sophisticated. They appear at the place of the action only if Mass-Media and Catalin Radu Tanase appear. Their “job” is to walk in rubber-boots impressing both country and urban people and to make promises that “The Floods” will take place next year too. And they do!
Sex with Cats
In Romania, young men around the age of 17 frequently have sexual encounters with cats. Because of the lack of sexy women in the country (Most of them fled to Bulgaria or Hungary) the only source of fresh, young pussy is by engaging into rough feline-sapien sex. Due to this, a new breed of man-cat has been brought about in Romania by the rampant intercourse with small furry animals. This increased the average IQ of Romania by 10, because the man-cats can already open doors, and create voices what could be 'music'.
From Dracula's favourite toy, tzeapa (impale) is now a very nice piece of Rumanian folklore. Rumanian people can give you such thing before you know it but nothing is more likely to happen while one's in Ploiesti. Also known as "bone" in english.
- Tzepesh (Impaler)
- Dracula's real name, he used Tzeapa to kill lots of Turks who use to bore to death Rumanian people in dark ages, after him Rumanian people had to handle things how they could ... like this short story says:
- Some thirsty guy was drinking water from a well. Some Rumanian guy comes along and desperately shouts:
- - Sir! That well is poisoned, don't drink the water!
- - Nem tudok rumánul ("I don't speak Rumanian" in Hungarian)
- - Well then, carry on drinking, but slowly for it's really cold.
Those who pervert the word of God will be judged
===Mintrubbing=== (see here mintrubbing)
Ciordeala is the noun for the verb "a ciordi" which means to steal, to jack. Ciordeala is a national sport practiced every day and every night. There are various forms for "ciordeala" and those who don't practice "ciordeala" practice for sure other sports like "manareala":
1. Jacking your people and the economy - is the exclusive attribute of the government and other structures. The leaders are also known as "Dinosaurs" and include Miron Mitrea, Ion Iliescu, Rodica Stanoiu, Dan Ioan Popescu, Bombonel (9D La liceul Creanga kre practica acest "hobby" in continuu) and other members of the structures. Punishment - They are forced to transfer all the stolen money outside the country (ouch!!!!)
2. Stealing from your neighbour - most preferred are goods like chicken or horseshit. Punishment - at least 3 years time. (compare with no. 1)
3. Corporate jacking - you act like you work, they act like they pay you. - aka "stealing your own hat" (sa-ti furi singur caciula)
4. Others - American style (bank robbing and shit), Gipsy style (ciordeala in the bus, in the tube etc.), etc etc etc (Romanian people are very inventive so the list goes on)
5. Romanians also like taking advantage on the inferior race called Americans... Example: Getting money from stupid American credit card owner or selling aircraft on eBay to intelligent Americans that think this deal is real...
The other form ( and more advanced)of " ciordeala" is what a group of men are doing with a rifle,"pump-action" and other scary guns.This men are also named "racheti" and are originaly from Moldova (U.R.S.S.-United Russian Simple Shit).They are organized in a group named variosly like "turma","haita"...Her action is like a print of Robin Hood but more chaotic.They steal from anyone and don't give a shit to nobody.They are called "fratii nostri de peste Prut"(The Prut is like a river with stupid people). So if you planned on visiting Romania must carry a rocket-launcher or come with an Apache helicopter. From us, best regards!Please visit us!!We have bullets to spend on your "gheaba"(your back parts of body).
And you should know that now the government is punishing CIORDEALA very hard. Because they hate to have competitors.
Romania is a world with absolutely no speed limits. It's a country full of Michael Schumachers Valentino Rossis, and Tudor Fils. Only the best survives. Romanian drivers are not superstitious, they don't believe in signs (road-signs), or working brakes, so you better not be a pedestrian (they're not superstitious either, but i never heard of a pedestrian smashing into a vehicle, only the opposite). If you try to switch the lane don't EVER give a signal, you will only let the others know what you want to do so they can block you. Just switch the lane and give the signal after (so the Garcea officer can see you tried at least). It is because of this wreckless driving that many of them find jobs as pizza-delivery guys in North America, as they are most effective in preventing the "30-minutes or it's free" policy. When immigrated to North America, the favourite car is a white mid-90's Ford Taurus. Romanian drivers have the unusual habit on slowing down when they see a white vehicle parked on the roadside (even more if it's written "ECILOP"/"AITILOP" on it). If you see a driver with his neck on the steering wheel... well... it's not HIS neck, it's HER neck. Watch it... women don't switch lanes, they just drive on both of them at the same time... to be sure they don't hit something on the roadside (which they do anyway, cuz they will have to park the car eventualy). If you see a car parked by an angle of more than 30` to the sidewalk, you can be sure SHE did it. Don't try to tell someone (driver or pedestrian) he's wrong. You'll get to hear a lot of words referring to reproductive organs and close relatives or even get a physical correction.! Another of the romanian driving habbits is to listen to a loud and distorded form of music called manele. It is said to enrich the driver with ultra-high reflexes and a loose mouth(slobod la gura). Another form of enlightement is talking on the cell phone while driving. This helps the driver concentrate on the road. The cell phone is usualy accompanied by a cigarette bought from the bisnitari (a form of high developed merchants), though nobody knows how the steering of the car actualy takes place in this condition. Romania is also the only country in the world where you can see a horse or donkey-driven carriage next to a Porsche Cayenne. If you think that carriages are ugly, you don't have to worry about seeing them at night, because they have absolutely no lights whatsoever. Some models have sophisticated cabins made of an old car, fitted with a steering wheel, cassette player and even an alarm. (But no lights!) Also here in Romania is very TARANESC - "Tzaranesc - Something really cool, but pretty basic, in order to be understandable by the peasants." to put neon lights under your car, even if by that you double the value of the car. Also you can meet various forms of home made aillerons - even made from wood and painted in a different colour than the car - that should improve handling performances of the car (even if the car would reach 70 km/h only down the hill), and they are usualy combined with that strange form of music combined with very much noise and special distortion from car speakers - very low price combined with "good quality" - MANELE. Nowadays is a must to have a sticker on your car as a proof of your tuning ... RIEGER, ZENDER are very common... and some white stripes (Viper Style stripes). If u have all that have been described before and you don't have some extra lights on your car than your work is in vain. You can use for that bulbs that are usually used for homes, etc. The maximum of elegance in a special car is to have curtains, and a dog on the rear on the car who bounces his head. Also if you don't wear a big gold-like bracelets on both hands, and very big rings - "GHIULURI - also something TARANESC (GHIULURI are hand made by nomad gipsyes from at least half a kilo of gold, in unique models that look very sheety)", you have more chances that a guy with a strange looking uniform who drives the car marked with ECILOP/AITILOP on the hood will stop you and ask you for SHPAGA. And you should know that GHIULURI is a must with at least two golden teeth - fitted in a very very visible place in your mouth so everybody can see how rich you are.
A new rule for some special romanian drivers... if u have a Logan car (basically this is a tuna fish can with some stupid wheels) you can drive on the middle of the road... and try to stop others from passing you. Ambulances and other emergency cars must not ever be allowed to pass you... If you make a mistake and someone tells you about, you just use your middle finger to say you're sorry... even if you know that you are a lamer and someday you will be beaten for this smart and kind gesture...
Driving In Bucharest
easy steps :
- if the street is full, drive on sidewalk
- if the sidewalk is full,go on the local river(Dambovitza),it has 3 speed lines
- if u`re lost,ask a local make [romanian : machedon aka tzantzar (mosquito)] to show u the way.hint : always take the opposite dirrection.
- if you are getting stopped by street police due to traffic misconduct, tell them your uncle is a senator or bribe them (from 20 PULA to 150 PULA, don't give them coaie, depends on what rule u broke)
- if you are waiting for some pedestrians to cross the street at the street crossing, it is polite to start a conversation (as you'll have plenty of time) - for example:
- if one of the pedestrians is a man and he has burried his hands inside his jeans pockets, you could say something like "Bai, scoate mainile din buzunar ca-ti mananca pula unghiile." which means "Yes sir, you can never be too careful around this neighborhood - a lot of thieves are after your "pula" (money)."
- if one of the pedestrians is a woman, you can start a conversation by saying something like "Fa, misca-te mai repede ca masina asta calca nu fute!" which means "Hi! I'll be glad to give you a lift!".
- the only rules of driving in Bucharest are the above rules. However, if you're not careful while driving in Bucuresti, you might get a mooje muie.
- and last but certainly not least, you can't be a propper romanian driver if you can't swear propperly. and you definitely can't be a bucharest driver without being able to swear for 30 minutes without repeating yourself.
p.s :no drivers in bucharest are locals,all locals drive in the Danube Delta,proud home of Bird Flu (romanian : gripa aviara manca`tzas coaele)
You Know You're Romanian When...
- You grew up on liver sandwiches.... and thought that was normal.
- You make your own noodles.
- You had to share a room until you were 21.
- Everything you eat is savored in garlic and onions.
- You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
- You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the airport.
- You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal.
- All your children have nick names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
- You know someone with 20 kids
- You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
- You can fit 10 people into a Dacia.
- Your parents never throw anything away and if you by some chance manage to get something to make it to the garbage can... it mysteriously appears back where it was again.
- You have lace curtains.
- You have lace tablecloths.
- You have rugs covering every inch of your house.
- You have or had rugs on your walls.
- Your mom tells you you're too skinny even though your 30 pounds overweight.
- You ever heard of 'stomach stew'.
- Girls cant have boyfriends when they are 17 but they have to be married at 18.
- You have curtains hanging across every doorway.
- Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what other 'frati' and 'surori' will think.
- You know someone that married his girlfriend of 2 months.
- Your mom is a doctor and force feeds you medicine for anything ranging from a headache, stomach ache to a stubbed toe.
- Your house is full of Romanian medicine that is probably illegal here.
- You and your friends have ever been kicked out of a restaurant or recreational park for being too loud or rowdy.
- Your mom recycles plastic cups and paper plates, and sandwich bags by washing them.
- You dont know how to use a dishwasher.
- You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table (musama).
- You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
- Your dad ever butchered a pig or lamb.
- You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
- Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (Got free with some household items).
- Your parents call you farm animals when you get them mad.
- Your mom ever chased you with a rolling pin or a broom telling you to stop so that she could hit you.
- Your dad ever told you to smack yourself over the mouth for being disrespectful.
- You're twenty years old and your parents are trying to send you to Romoville to get you married cause your old.
- Getting married at 18 is normal.
- Getting married at 16 actually happens.
- Your mom washes your clothing at 40.
- A new tax being passed by the government is simply a cover up because the end of the world is really coming.
- Asking if you can get a discount at a discount store on clearance items is normal and not embarrassing for your parents.
- You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
- You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
- You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
- You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
- If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
- When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
- Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
- You bought a cell phone for your parents and have to re-learn them how to use it regularely - and they keep telling you from time to time that "there is a small enevelope on the screen"
- You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them away from getting dirty.
- It's "normal" if your wedding has 600 people. (and half of them you've never even seen, but they're related to you somehow eg.cuscra lu' cumatra leana matusa lu a mica sora lu unchiu' fane a lu marioara de la tara)
- You dont know half the people at your wedding cuz your parents invited them.
- You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.
- You have mastered the art of bargaining in grocery shopping.
- You want BEARRRRRRRR.