What I Didn't Know about Romania
Note to readers
"On behalf of the author(s) who wrote these things, I apologise... They want to burn in hell... Please remember that this article is somehow supposed to be funny (it just ended up being a bad joke - like the country)Yeah and I`m sure the one who wrote that last bit has a lot to be proud of. Like his intelect for example... i think it`s high ....higher than a piece of gum stuck to my shoe at least, and lower than a dog`s brain who`s only interest in a day is liking his behind or valuables...and dreaming about what he did the rest of the day. P.S. Real sporty of u for deleting my message."
This is a typical message delivered to you by the Online Holy Communist army of Romania. They are a highly organised cult that operates online, and consider themselves to be the True Guardians of Romanian Culture. Their job is to scan the Internet via their brain testicles and eliminate any information that they perceive as insulting for the Great Holy National Socialist Party of Romania, to whom they are affiliated. They usually run in packs of four (patrule),packs of three (triule), or, like above, packs of one (pule).
The Online Holy Communist army of Romania begun in 1945. Since then it has been recruiting simple people from the country side, fed them with patriotic stories, and let them loose in the streets (now on the internet). A classical example is Corneliu Vadim Tudor (which the Online Holy Communist army of Romania considers to be the one true God).
“The Floods” are Romanian national holidays. They are celebrated every year, sometimes several times per year.
They represent the close relationship between humans and nature (no, it doesn’t mean that they are human nature itself). The Floods happen in other countries, but only in Romania they are celebrated so grimly and with so much showiness that they recently became national holidays. The people of Romania are very proud of these floods, that recently the government has created a pressure group in the European Union forums to buy the patent on The Floods so that, if others countries want to have Floods, they must pay an enormous amount of money to romanian people.
Celebration of the floods finds it's roots in centuries' old religious practices indigenous to Romania. Though not a formally organized religion, there are many traditions that have been performed during The Floods for hundreds of years. There are many dances, festivals, and rituals that are strictly followed. Local people fear religious reprisals if they don't perform these rituals. Bad luck, sickness and gross disfigurmint are typical expectations. Contrary to popular belief, Romania is one of the few countries in the world today that still allows cannibalism, though strictly for religious purposes. Bodies and body parts are actually fairly easy to come by as many people consider donation of their bodies to be a form of titheing.
The Floods are maintained by “shpaga” (bribe), corruption, propaganda and popular vote (Romania is a democracy, isn’t it?). The mechanism is the following: a local governor takes “shpaga” from a company (more often the company belongs to the Minister of Environment or his wife); the company ensures the corrupted governor that he will make the improvements of the beds of the rivers “de mantuiala” so that “The Floods” take place at least one year. Are you still following? During “The Floods” the Prime Minister appears on TV wearing rubber-boots and impressing the people. At the elections the people vote for him and this way the local governor and the minister are kept in function to prepare next year's “Floods”. Simple and efficient!!!
During “the Floods” all social and professional categories in Romania are participating
1) The country-people. They are the “stars” of all these days because they directly participate in the “actions”. The younger-ones flee from the water as fast as they can, leaving their parents with their animals behind. The 30-50 years old people untie the cattle, the horses and the dogs and then they flee too. The elder ones, if they are not fast enough to catch a horse or a cow, they ascend on the roofs, waiting for the wave to come. The oldest of the oldest remain in their homes waiting for the waters and politicians to come and wash their brains. There is a special category of country people, the enterprising-ones, who "ciordesc" (see "Ciordeala") the goods of the ones who fled.
2) The urban-people. They are the passive-aggressive category. They stay in homes and watch TV. “The Floods” are transmitted live by Catalin Radu Tanase (a.k.a. Dezastre). The most of them spend the 10-15 minutes after the transmission cursing the authorities because they cannot participate directly to the events. Sometimes some of the local governors take “shpaga” (bribe) from certain companies closely related to PSD (Social Democrat Party), giving them in return the honor to prepare the field and the rivers for next year Floods, so that the cities too can enjoy The Floods.
3) Mass-Media. Mass-Media in Romania takes the opportunity to earn some money by improving the audience. They send Catalin Radu Tanase to the place of action, he takes the scuba-diving suit and a gun (just in case) and makes live transmissions on TV. He likes to stay half-submerged while broadcasting. The public in Romania can hardly wait for a volcano eruption.
4) Politicians. The politicians are the other active category in “The Floods”, but they are more sophisticated. They appear at the place of the action only if Mass-Media and Catalin Radu Tanase appear. Their “job” is to walk in rubber-boots impressing both country and urban people and to make promises that “The Floods” will take place next year too. And they do!
5) Werewolves. The werewolves are the the most prevalent group of people in Romania and thus get affected by "The Floods" just like all the other groups. "The Floods" are commonly considered a prosperous time for them for they can hunt more easily. Moreover, “The Floods” provide werewolves with debate skill.
From Dracula's favourite toy, tzeapa (impale) is now a very nice piece of Rumanian folklore. Rumanian people can give you such thing before you know it but nothing is more likely to happen while one's in Ploiesti. Also known as "bone" in english.
- Tzepesh (Impaler)
- Dracula's real name, he used Tzeapa to kill lots of Turks who use to bore to death Rumanian people in dark ages, after him Rumanian people had to handle things how they could ... like this short story says:
- Some thirsty guy was drinking water from a well. Some Rumanian guy comes along and desperately shouts:
- - Sir! That well is poisoned, don't drink the water!
- - Nem tudom rumáno ("I don't speak Rumanian" in Hungarian)
- - Well then, carry on drinking, but slowly for it's really cold.
The traditional language of the Romanian people is very hard to identify. It is a combination of latin, galeic, russian, latin, stupidity, english and something left in the fridge for too long. It sounds like a dog playing the flute while juggling with milk bottles. Therefore Romanians can understand many other languages including dog and milky but they are unable to express inteligent remarks in any of them. In order to look smart and be able to talk for more than it takes to say "Pizda" (adjective reffering to how nice your wife is) they invented "aaa-leasca" which consists of a series of strange nasal vocals that make it harder for anybody else to interupt the speaker. It's common to hear this discusion in Romania A: Then I just aaaa B: Sorry A: aaaa B: Sorry A: aaaaa B: SORRY!!! A: aa..where was I?
- Franglish (Romanian - «frangleza»)
- Something between French and English. In order for the grammar pronunciation to be correct a baguette must be be inserted rectally while the speaker sips a cup of tea. If such items cannot be found, other ethnic stereotypes may be inserted. (It is spoken by Ion Iliescu, who became the protagonist of many language based jokes. To give some examples here are some of his memorable sayings: "2 T 2222" meaning "Two teas to 222, please" and " Wen I waik up in za morning I heer: GREEN!!!...I PINK up the phoun and say : YELLOW!!!" Not to mention about everyone's favourite Za dacs cam fram za tracs (referring to the thracian origins of the dacians he instead said "the ducks come from the trucks")
- Something really cool, but pretty basic, in order to be understandable by the peasants.
- Despite it's close relationship to English's "Yes, I'll do it right away. Let me hurry out of consideration for your needs," this statement actually means, "Bugger off, I'll do it when I'm good and ready."
- Similar to its Spanish equivalent of Minyana, this means, "Bugger off. I don't feel like it today. Tomorrow doesn't look good either, but I'll at least say 'tomorrow' to make you feel better."
- This is the worst of all, and all hearers can be assured that they are being flipped the bird upon hearing it. Some may think it means, "Monday." In fact, it means, "Bugger off. I won't be doing it at all. I don't feel like it. You haven't bribed me enough. I'm not coming back."
- It may appear to be the middle day of the week, also known as Thursday, but in fact in Romania it is mostly known as "the satanists Sunday" and the day all the gipsies big and small go and get married. For the working class it's a good ole day cause it comes before Friday, which from the start means the week-end and implies no work what so ever. Joi is also a summer day. "Joi la vara" may very well mean that the one who uttered the expression is a typical procrastinator. RUSINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
While a insignificant number of the population are Orthodox major religions include Misa and many others. However, the gipsys living in Romania belong to the one of the most religious ethnic minorities in the world. They go each sunday in the church and pray God not to be caught while stealing (going to "ciordeala").
Pocahitzy Let's no forget the ones that "re-find God". If you have more than 6 children and you need help, you just have to open your horizons and sign up for one of the hundred "new religion" that come from "The new world" (USA) such as "mor(m)ons" "Jehova's whitness", etc.This change is going to affect mostly the father, the head of the family as he will have to stop drinking (in front of other).
The most common form of faith, though, is the faith in football. These days (and the days of the last 50 years of communism), there is no (known) romanian that doesn't believe in one of football's gods.
What i am about to say is pure romanian mythology, transmitted from generation to generation in the nice and obsessed of football population of Romania.
The supreme gods of romanian football are called Steaua and Dinamo. They are twin brothers, sons of The Great Creator Nicolae Ceausescu also known as Sergiu Nicolaeceausescu. They were born due to a corruption in the natural balance of The Great Popular Republic of Rumania. The corruption was caused by the constant change in the annual football champions, and that threatened the communist party's position as the only winner in..well..everything. Since then, due to further (well known) "arrangements", the two brothers have won the prize (and the faith of more and more people) every year, and brought back balance in the Force.
It is also known that Steaua and Dinamo were made in such a way that their characters are exactly opposite, and that also influenced their high priests (also called players) and their parishioners (who call themselves fans). The day they were born, an endless and balanced civil war started in Romania. And it still goes on today (now being June 7, 2247, three hundred years since they first appeared in the romanian (in)culture).
Steaua and Dinamo's far older brother is Rapid, which suddenly lost its power due to the strange new disturbance that Ceausescu created in the Force. As soon as the twin gods appeared, so did the citizens of rumania lost their faith in Rapid, and soon the old god lost almost all of its power. Nobody knows how Rapid appeared, as there is no records (or point) in anyone attempting to create a perfect "runner-up in everything". It it said that it always existed in the human mind, and it surfaced when a dozen of losers formed a club named "FC Rapid Bucuresti", went on to the first division and won a championship...But that is pure crap...Rapid never did win anything.
There are several other local gods throughout the vast territory of rumania, most of which waited for the great creator to lose control of the rumanians, and launch a great rebellion against the supreme gods. They tried to ally with Rapid, but the oldest of the three great brothers considered the local gods to be unworthy of an alliance with him, and simply waited for his brothers to slip off the hook and leave a title for them. Anyway, even when Ceausescu died, the alliance was simply too inexistent to pose a threat to the elder gods' supremacy.
Unfortunately, the parishioners of the local gods are also loyal to the three supreme gods, and that drastically reduces the local gods' power and chances in orded to ever attempt to declare war for the throne. Althought, some richer local parishioners decided to try to empower their local god, thinking that their fellow citizens would be sick of Steaua, Dinamo and Rapid endless title rotation.
But everybody thinks that is too much a thing of the future.Really.
===Mintrubbing=== (see here mintrubbing)
Ciordeala is the noun for the verb "a ciordi" which means to steal, to jack. Ciordeala is a national sport practiced every day and every night, it involves more than 99% of the Romanian people. There are various forms for "ciordeala" and those who don't practice "ciordeala" practice for sure other sports like "manareala":
1. Jacking your people and the economy - is the exclusive attribute of the government and other structures. The leaders are also known as "Dinosaurs" and include Miron Mitrea, Ion Iliescu, Rodica Stanoiu, Dan Ioan Popescu, Bombonel and other members of the structures. Punishment - They are forced to transfer all the stolen money outside the country (ouch!!!)
2. Stealing from your neighbour - most preferred are goods like chicken or horseshit. Punishment - at least 3 years time. (compare with no. 1)
3. Corporate jacking - you act like you work, they act like they pay you. - aka "stealing your own hat" (sa-ti furi singur caciula)
4. Others - American style (bank robbing and shit), Gipsy style (ciordeala in the bus, in the tube etc.), etc etc etc (Romanian people are very inventive so the list goes on)
5. Romanians also like taking advantage on the inferior race called Americans... Example: Getting money from stupid American credit card owner or selling aircraft on eBay to intelligent Americans that think this deal is real...
The other form ( and more advanced)of " ciordeala" is what a group of men are doing with a rifle,"pump-action" and other scary guns.This men are also named "racheti" and are originaly from Moldova (U.R.S.S.-United Russian Simple Shit).They are organized in a group named variosly like "turma","haita"...Her action is like a print of Robin Hood but more chaotic.They steal from anyone and don't give a shit to nobody.They are called "fratii nostri de peste Prut"(The Prut is like a river with stupid people). So if you planned on visiting Romania must carry a rocket-launcher or come with an Apache helicopter. From us, best regards!Please visit us!!We have bullets to spend on your "gheaba"(your back parts of body).
And you should know that now the government is punishing CIORDEALA very hard. Because they hate to have competitors.
Romania is a world with absolutely no speed limits. It's a country full of Michael Schumachers and Valentino Rossis. Only the best survives. Romanian drivers are not superstitious, they don't believe in signs (road-signs) so you better not be a pedestrian (they're not superstitious either, but i never heard of a pedestrian smashing into a vehicle, only the opposite). If you try to switch the lane don't EVER give a signal, you will only let the others know what you want to do so they can block you. Just switch the lane and give the signal after (so the Garcea officer can see you tried at least). Romanian drivers have the unusual habit on slowing down when they see a white vehicle parked on the roadside (even more if it's written "ECILOP"/"AITILOP" on it). If you see a driver with his neck on the steering wheel... well... it's not HIS neck, it's HER neck. Watch it... women don't switch lanes, they just drive on both of them at the same time... to be sure they don't hit something on the roadside (which they do anyway, cuz they will have to park the car eventualy). If you see a car parked by an angle of more than 30` to the sidewalk, you can be sure SHE did it. Don't try to tell someone (driver or pedestrian) he's wrong. You'll get to hear a lot of words referring to reproductive organs and close relatives or even get a physical correction.! Another of the romanian driving habbits is to listen to a loud and distorded form of music called manele. It is said to enrich the driver with ultra-high reflexes and a loose mouth(slobod la gura). Another form of enlightement is talking on the cell phone while driving. This helps the driver concentrate on the road. The cell phone is usualy accompanied by a cigarette bought from the bisnitari (a form of high developed merchants), though nobody knows how the steering of the car actualy takes place in this condition. Romania is also the only country in the world where you can see a horse or donkey-driven carriage next to a Porsche Cayenne. If you think that carriages are ugly, you don't have to worry about seeing them at night, because they have absolutely no lights whatsoever. Some models have sophisticated cabins made of an old car, fitted with a steering wheel, cassette player and even an alarm. (But no lights!) Also here in Romania is very TARANESC - "Tzaranesc - Something really cool, but pretty basic, in order to be understandable by the peasants." to put neon lights under your car, even if by that you double the value of the car. Also you can meet various forms of home made aillerons - that should improve handling performances of the car (even if the car would reach 70 km/h only down the hill), and they are usualy combined with that strange form of music combined with very much noise and special distortion from car speakers - very low price combined with "good quality" - MANELE. Also if you don't wear a big gold-like bracelets on both hands, and very big rings - "GHIULURI - also something TARANESC (GHIULURI are hand made by nomad gipsyes from at least half a kilo of gold, in unique models that look very sheety)", you have more chances that a guy with a strange looking uniform who drives the car marked with ECILOP/AITILOP on the hood will stop you and ask you for SHPAGA. And you should know that GHIULURI is a must with at least two golden teeth - fitted in a very very visible place in your mouth so everybody can see how rich you are.
Driving In Bucharest
easy steps :
- if the street is full, drive on sidewalk
- if the sidewalk is full,go on the local river(Dambovitza),it has 3 speed lines
- if u`re lost,ask a local make [romanian : machedon aka tzantzar (mosquito)] to show u the way.hint : always take the opposite dirrection.
- if you are getting stopped by street police due to traffic misconduct, tell them your uncle is a senator or bribe them (from 20 RON to 150 RON, depends on what rule u broke)
- if you are waiting for some pedestrians to cross the street at the street crossing, it is polite to start a conversation (as you'll have plenty of time) - for example:
- if one of the pedestrians is a man and he has burried his hands inside his jeans pockets, you could say something like "Bai, scoate mainile din buzunar ca-ti mananca pula unghiile." which means "Yes sir, you can never be too careful around this neighborhood - a lot of thieves are after your "pula" (money)."
- if one of the pedestrians is a woman, you can start a conversation by saying something like "Fa, misca-te mai repede ca masina asta calca nu fute!" which means "Hi! I'll be glad to give you a lift!".
- the only rules of driving in Bucharest are the above rules. However, if you're not careful while driving in Bucuresti, you might get a mooje muie.
- and last but certainly not least, you can't be a propper romanian driver if you can't swear propperly. and you definitely can't be a bucharest driver without being able to swear for 30 minutes without repeating yourself.
p.s :no drivers in bucharest are locals,all locals drive in the Danube Delta,proud home of Bird Flu (romanian : gripa aviara manca`tzas)