Ţuică

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Tzuica, numita si ţuică, este "the official drink" a dragei noatre patrii stramosesti.

Ţuică este o apa cu alcool. Felurile specifice numai sudului Romaniei sunt produse prin un complex proces, atat de complex ca miauna broasca, de distilare a hranei lui Dracula, ruda lui Blackula (de om, dupa stiinta noastra), adaugand esenta licorii lui Bakus pure, apoi se lasa 200 (sau 400, dupa gust), si se bea! Ce cruzime!

Marea ţuică veche si adevarata se cantareste in aur si e agent al IEA (Incredibilul Efect Afrodiziac). Oricum, sangele uman de calitate e cam greu de gasit in sudul Romaniei, dar poate fi substituit cu rezultate acceptabile de prune, mere, pere in panere, caise, piersici, zarzăre, corcoduşe, struguri, dulcegarii vechi, pufoaice si deosebitul găinaţ.

The "ţuica de pufoaică" is now protected by the Designation of Origin of the European Union, so it can be only be produced in Moldova. It is also the most dangerous kind of tzuica mainly because is is made from a fluffy winter coat(pufoaica) dipped is the main substance found in an outhouse(this teh not joke).

Better than Vodka, it contains double distilled plum or other fruits. It is sort of a plum brandy, but with a specific taste. If you want to taste this unique drink, you need to travel to Transylvania and have a drink with the locals listening to manele.

History[modificare]

It is said that Burebista, the leader of the Dacian people, an ancient population who lived on Rumanian territory, had a liver condition that didn't allow him to drink any wine. Jealous that his people could get drunk at will and have lots of fun on his behalf (it is known that Burebista had a hairy back - archaeologists joj discovered new evidence excavating the royal bathroom), he burned all the wineries and vineyards in his kingdom.

Everybody knows that people in Romania are inventive. So were the Dacians. They took what was left of the wines, distilled them, and drank the results. They loved it. Then they began experimenting with other things. The conclusion was: anything that ferments can be turned into ţuică. All fruits, vegetables, organic remains, dirt, fecal matter etc.

It is known from written sources that in the Dark Ages some of the elite of the Romanian Ancient Drinking Team and well-educated members of the Romanian Government were secretly trained in Alchemy and were able to produce "TZOOYKA" a liquid with the same colour, but more lighter than water. Too bad that nobody knows today the secret ingredient used then, other than pure alchool.

Tuica[modificare]

Tuica is a favorite alcoholic drink in Romania, brewed by removing all of the intoxicating accents from ţuică. No one knows why everyone who drinks tuica will always get drunk. Some scientist say that it could be the combination between the vapors that this liquid creates and the hydrogen from the air. Not known in any other country in the world, it is widely spread in Romania and extremely cheap to buy this liquid.

More information about this subject will be posted as soon as the research team returns from Romania.

In northern Romania there is a weaker form of ţuică, commonly known as palinca made from "boiled mucus", but it's so weak that everybody considers it to be "ţuica săracului", that's "poor man's ţuică".

"Ţuica" made in Zalău, Sălaj county, is the best "ţuica" ever made. The secret formula gives you instant feeling like you must drink more and more, until "ţi se taie filmu'" (an expression for black out).

There are various types of tuica:

  • de pufoaica: the most popular type of tuica it is made of fermented old rags and it is frequently drunk by old people and rednecks/hillbillies.
  • tarash: it is also a popular type of tuica made of double boiled fruits and vegetables
  • Andreea Marin: it is a type of tuica which is not drunk by anyone it is drunk only by rick and snob rednecks because it is good (as good as Andreea Marin)
  • Armageddon: this is the type of tuica drunk by stoned Romanians at weddings
  • culcush de caine: (dog shelter) it's drunk by homeless bums
  • adio mama: it's the final liquid you drink. It's drunk by suicidal Romanians
  • genocid: it kills even bacterias
  • R.D.V.(Rachiu din vin): it is also an expensive type of tuica made out of wine

Palinca[modificare]

Palinca [pa LINK uh] is a traditionalised Hungarian/Rumanian liquor that is made from fermented (rotten) plums, peaches, apricots or any other rotten fruit. The word palinca comes from the centuries-old term palinkata, which of course, means "put me in a happy place". In addition, the drug "palincaine" is derived from the basic atomic structure of this exact same base. In the country of Romania specifically, palincaine has been used as a numbing agent for years by dentists and physicians and it's still used by many pacients before visiting the physician as a primary painkiller.

Palinca is a newer and improved version of Tzuica, available only in the high northern Rumanian territories, where it is distilled by the local population of Rumanian mountain-dwarves.

The typical family will drink a "shot" (approximate translation: "o sticla-doua") of palinca before, during and after every meal of the day. This includes infants, children, the elderly and the whole neighbourhood.

Before the revolution in 1989, before the demise of Communism, this drink was a welcome remedy to the daily trials and tribulations of the working class. Surprisingly, now that Capitalism has taken hold, palinca usage has inexplicably increased by 750%.

Palinca is very flammable and highly unstable, if submitted to accelerations greater than 1.5G it will cause it's inner molecules to collapse and implode, thus ending the Universe.

See also[modificare]